‘Gophering’ is the New ‘Ghosting’ When It Comes to Dating

You’ve certainly heard of “ghosting,” which occurs when a person you’re seeing or dating suddenly stops communicating with you. Now there’s “gophering,” which occurs when you get dumped before ever meeting in person (IRL), a trend that precludes any kind of possible connection from developing. This is how it goes. Consider the following scenario: You’ve recently matched with someone on a dating app, you’re talking, everything’s going great, and you plan to meet up shortly. But they abruptly postpone your date one hour beforehand. You were duped by “gophering.” This pattern includes setting up a first date with someone you’re interested in, only to have them cancel last-minute or, sometimes, lose communication after simply suggesting an actual meeting. However, unlike “ghosting,” which allows you to meet your date in person, “gophering” forbids you from ever meeting anybody. This unpleasant tendency was first identified in a 2022 annual report from the dating service Plenty of Fish under a different label, “Only Plans,” which was defined as regularly arranging dates only to cancel them at the last minute. According to the study, 52% of users of dating apps admitted to being a victim of this.

So what is happening? Many singles nowadays are wary of going on first dates since the thought of losing time and effort might make them feel anxious. The simplest approach to break things off is to “ghost,” which is not returning a person’s calls or texts from one day to the next. According to a research cited by the Daily Mail, 72% of Millennials and 71% of Generation Z have already stopped communicating over night. However, ‘ghosting,’ like ‘gophering,’ are fashion fads that may ultimately hide a dread of being rejected.

According to Stacey Diane Araez Litam, a clinical psychotherapist and sexologist, ending any possible connection may seem “psychologically safer” for certain individuals because they won’t have to “face the vulnerability and discomfort that comes with the potential for abandonment and change.” But according to Alix Fox, a relationship expert and screenplay consultant for Netflix’s “Sex Education,” those who engage in “gophering” may “selfishly like the ego boost of knowing you’ll eagerly say yes to any meet-up they suggest,” according to Glamour magazine.

If you’ve ever felt “gophered” or “ghosted,” you could have experienced pain, devaluation, anxiety, or even annoyance. According to Dr. Litam, “People may adopt negative attitudes about being ghosted that undermine their sense of value or disprove their inalienable deservingness of love or connection. If only I were clever enough, handsome enough, or anyway better, then this would not have occurred, they may use personalized scripts. In actuality, the problem usually lies with the one who is ghosting rather than the one being ghosted. To put it another way, if it occurs to you, don’t feel bad about it since it wasn’t your fault.