weirdness when loading
When I was a kid, I used to duck behind our thick beige curtains whenever a family member or relative would swoon over a fluffy dress or asked to take a picture of my face. This floor-length cloth made it safe to refuse any kind words of appreciation or recognition. I may have outgrown this curtain over time, but I’ve cleverly found a hiding place in remarks or humor that belittles myself, in-depth explanations, or a string of memes featuring crying cats. After 25 years being used to seeing an invisible wall in social settings, I almost forgot that compliments are not something to be taken lightly. I could never physically say thank you, and the day I did, the world would end, a buddy once joked.
It seems that my collection of deflective tactics is not unique. When CE asked about compliments to roughly fifteen young professionals from various streams, they all admitted that they found it difficult to get validation, praise, or appreciation. When praised, Lisa Anthony, a journalist from Kochi, usually responds with an apology or a strange expression. “Whenever someone compliments me on a certain outfit, I can’t help but tell them it belonged to my sister. As a result, I wouldn’t have to express gratitude since the initiative would no longer be in my hands. When someone tells me something positive, I usually feel good about it, but I also feel uneasy. Perhaps because I believe the other could be bluffing,” she remarks.
When questioned about inappropriate reactions to praise, Mohan, who is based in Chennai, once replied with a thumbs-up to a friend who had thanked him for getting her through a difficult moment. “I wasn’t accustomed to receiving intimate remarks from friends and family at that time. It was the worst reaction one could have to a sentimental message. A student informed assistant professor Vinay BS that he didn’t take praises. “I used to tell them, ‘You need not butter me, you will only slip and fall,’ when they told me they enjoyed my classes. However, I could tell it was true and would be ecstatic.
The best kind of flattery
The idea of celebrating National Compliment Day on March 1st was introduced in the Netherlands in 2001 by Hans Poortvliet. In 2019, this “spreading positivity” day become an international event. “World Compliment Day merely addresses the basic human need for recognition and appreciation,” reads a news statement. Everyone benefits emotionally, but no one benefits financially. And its strength is contained there. Beyond this, however, it didn’t appear like Poortvliet took into consideration how individuals like us could struggle to resist flattery.
Why do we find it so difficult to react positively? The answer leads us back to discomfort, impostor syndrome, and patriarchal structures. Reiterating this idea, Savithri S. Iyer, assistant manager of content development at ixamBee, states, “My low self-esteem makes it difficult for me to accept compliments.” I usually flush, stumble, and say something absurd that turns them off completely. My goal is to increase my self-esteem, but I’m still working on it.
Eliza Dion Vayalil, a consultant psychologist, attributes this behavior to poor self-esteem and false humility. They seldom get praises from their family or social group, because they haven’t received many in the past. Someone who experienced bullying, taunting, or humiliation as a youngster might act in this way. Girls may face a great deal more shame since women are held to higher standards of beauty than males do, according to her. This is exacerbated by judgmental parents, strict instructors, and criticism. Lisa notes, “Most of us have been taught that hiding our happiness when we receive praise equals being humble.”
Women often have to deal with carefully disguised insults, backhanded, patronizing, condescending, and awkward comments, as well as praises that are sandwiched. Often, compliments aren’t only an expression of appreciation or approval. A student named Ammu Ghosh remarks, “People think I look lovely when I lose a few pounds. Essentially, they are praising me for surviving an extremely difficult period, since stress is generally the reason I lose weight. Women, for example, also have to cope with offensive or uncomfortable remarks made by people of the other gender. Consider the cases of Senalda Ronald, who encountered a deluge of shocked remarks along the lines of “you’re not like other girls,” and Jayapriyanka J, who has been met with admiration from men due to her knowledge of how the computer’s F5 key works.
Editorial assistant Senalda claims, “It took me 25 years to reach to the point where I can now take a praise. When I was younger, I believed that for traumatizing reasons, I was not permitted to feel good about myself in numerous situations. Leaning beyond it was a deliberate endeavor. To rationalize it, I would have to convince myself to be grateful and not belittle myself when I get a praise. Saying thank you was weird at first, but eventually it got better. I suppose saying thank you is a difficult procedure, but it feels nice to do it.
When we get sincere comments, the majority of us feel appreciated and pleasant. Even if it makes us uncomfortable to admit that we are appreciated and deserving of praise, we recognize the value of assurance and validation as boosts to confidence. We need to let go of our large beige curtains and adapt our answers to the “upside-down” reality of the non-Stranger Things, as my buddy puts it.
